Jessi Huntenburg, tarot goddess extreme, is one of my favorite tarot lady’s. I adore her practical and intellectual approach to human psychology, spirituality and the connection to tarot. She created an amazing instagram challenge called the #MayjorChallenge:
I have somewhat of an IG-challenge handicap though, I can never quite stick them through- because I get tired of seeing hundreds of one card draws. This challenge has intrigued me as a tool for getting closer to tarot in my everyday life. About creating ACTION through tarot in my life, so I personally decided blogging the journey would mean more to me.
So, let me talk a little bit about the Fool in my life yesterday.
I am a seemingly confident person, in fact many consider me brazen and outspoken. But deep inside of my somewhat loud-mouth and opinionated exterior, I have a small child who suffers from some extreme imposter syndrome type thoughts and behaviors. I attribute this to the emotionally abusive and contradicting messages I received as a child, especially around success in life.
Recently, I have applied for a transfer to a new specialty of nursing. I am looking at making steps to my ultimate career goal: becoming a midwife, so I have applied for Labor and Delivery nursing positions. If you are a career person, you probably know the generally known rule of following up once you’ve submitted your application by calling the manager, or introducing yourself to the manager in some way.
I am at work yesterday, and have downtime to make the choice to go introduce myself to this manager to show my dedication and desire for this job. See above, where I stated I seem very confident? I’m kind of a chicken shit when it comes to initiating conversation with people I perceive are “ranked higher” in life than I am. I don’t like the feeling of being perceived as lesser-than, incompetent, or incapable. Because I am not those things, and the difficult things I’ve been through in life have taught me how to be resilient in many ways, but I still hold the voice of my mother in my head, telling me how poorly I am doing at all that I attempt.
It’s a strange reaction considering I was a dancer for so long. I am used to being on stage, in front of many staring eyes, but for some reason that experience hasn’t translated into speaking. I have a fear of being considered dumb, stupid, unworthy by people who have control over what it is I desire to achieve. The fear, as irrational as it is, wells deep in the back of my throat; my stomach hurts, I can’t hear very well, the world feels hot and heavy and spinning. Sometimes, it’s so bad, I’ll convince myself that I don’t want my goal that badly, so I can talk myself out of pushing past my comfort zone.
As I’m standing in the break room, feeling like I’m going to die from panic because there is this THING that I desire so strongly, but I am terrified of pursuing it, I remembered Jessi’s challenge. Ah, yes, The Fool.
The Fool jumps, leaps, flies into the abyss. Not knowing what will come next, but trusting that it’s worth the journey. “Do something that scares me, I am the Fool.” I say to myself. I can rise to this challenge, with tarot alive in my life.
One foot in front of the other, I make my way to the unit to introduce myself as the professional and experienced nurse I am. The whole way there I am saying: “I am the Fool. Fool energy in me and with me. Take the damn leap. You’ll never get there if you don’t try. If you don’t trust. If you don’t learn to FLY
The Fool, challenged within me, grows, bursts and takes the jump. It didn’t work out exactly as I had planned, because I wasn’t able to talk to her. But, I did receive a very encouraging phone call from recruitment. The Fool in me journeys forward, and maybe I have my fingers crossed behind my back, but through taking the leap, I learned a lot about myself yesterday. I hold some fears that don’t serve me, that dismantle me, derail me; and I have every capability to rise to these challenges. In fact, the challenge of having a conversation with someone who has achieved what I haven’t yet, is far less difficult than any of the abusive bullshit I’ve dealt with in my life.
There are more moments in this journey to a new specialty, to the specialty of my heart and of my dreams that will require me to act a Fool. But, I am ready to jump, and so, I will.